30april2008-today

There wednesday 30^th april. there were no elephants on the wall. i went with richard and alex and nick and hayley and becky and claire on the bus. It was a journey and we walked to a house alexandra  park road. Writhe. Lulu wants me to model for her but i want to go to a recital of danielle. Marco wants me to go to camden but i want to go to a recital of danielle and do some writing and organising and perhaps watch a film at the same time with music. Michael makes omelette. that he says should use 2 eggs. I was looking for names in my text , my 16 page text that i displayed with my work. Hayley Dixon was looking for names. They went to the wall she is using for the exhibition which should happen tomorrow. I feel bad. I think sam is lovely but I can’t seem to get more into it. I like friends more. anything more feels strange and I don’t like that the time thing, there are lots of other things that I would like to be doing rather than sit stand lie sex. Whenever I do something like write or paint or draw or talk.. i want to do more of it or something else. THat makes me smile but it is frustrating. right this moment I want to paint on some canvas thing for my sister for someone else. I am sad that claire will not be there for 13, she has an exam. I want to learn how to frizbeee> i am not a wadhamite. I think I would like to be. I was talking to someone the other day and I like to look and be critical of the works on display. I amwas shocked at my reaction to some of it..explanations and how it is hanged or not. I would talk about relationships with people, some are just easier than others. most comfortable seemed to be at last night with the fine art students. makes me say what I am thinking even when I don’t usually even want to believe myself. aargh. I mean.. not what i’m thinking.. what i’m feeling perhaps. Is that right. I tell and talk what is inside.. not all the stuff that one can think around an issue to hide and disguise. I want to see now tomorrow the film that Michael has made using the models and cameras going in and around. I painted the floors and the walls and it makes me happy the social situations instead of a pub or and club that could have happened otherwise. Brendonan talks i’m not doing it for anyone but myself. perhaps this is right but i like to make others happen the happiness too. that makes me happy. so not entirely for myself. I seem to have that conversation with karl before lots.

 

I should have a break. from form ofrom. It’s just a bit of foil from the tea thing, libby. coffee stirr, me. I’d be in the middle somewhere masculine feminngingign. attractive people.  the tea thing.pull and stretch does viv. He wants it all his way. These two films i’m gonna show you have been proofed twice but i want to proof it again. the tea thing does alex does. viv leg wobble.  This place is an entirely different atmosphere than the canteen thing. there is a speaker and mny eyes on him though they are just sitting and standing. he is not addressing them.. just one person.some eyes on my ike they are all waiting for it to happen. Fuck shit!! 8f88**8 (with one syllable) a short film by ufuk gokkaya. I think he could be the guy who is sitting next to me.

 

 

 

Names. People love names. holy. too much attention . fac3book. love it. make sm me lauhg out loud in the real sense fo mo. yummy . hahahaha. lists of names i made many lists.

Guy sherwin.

 

i missed it.

i would say to richard that it was like if i fancied some fish and chips but someone offered me chips. I wouldn’t turn it down.

 10may 2008 today. Yesterday, Ten then gate.

 

 

jewellery I liked the plastic doll rings.

The common room now. i want to use my phone but cannot find the memory card adapters. I have two but can’t find either. I sat in the garden and put sticks together while lisa and melissa wait for bus van to the science museum.

Today i wanted to relax mostly and do some work of write and tidy the room upstairs in the sky of trent park. What will be the living situation for me in the coming few months. I think today some washing too and dr who. I drank some water and ate some muesli. is there a clock and piano there or here on a public building. . I brought a pice of paper down to the cmmon room.  . I want to work on the bar at the thirda year show on thusrssrsday on the third ayear show. I will wear a white shiret if i  go. I want to go soh shopping  tomorrow fo for fruit and food. . He beat me at bowling which is not great. Hoome is strange thing. I can’t tell really what where who it all is. so many people.. it feels like suvi and claire and rosie.. and lists and my family. How confusing.

 

I find steph and she is watching harry potter next to me. She doesn’t want to move in with jooel. I don’t want to rush into any new accommodation in the next few weeks . i would ideally like to wait until july and august as my room is rented until the start of september. I might go and read some books. i am annoyed aaargh annoyed that i have library books and fines. I need to go to the bank and get a job too on monday t. that will be he day. i should do some washing too. what do you think of your slelelelele/s/? steph is back on monday. I just got some pepsi. Steph’s gone sex. I fell asleep in the commond rooom. I would have liked to have gone to a cake viva cake but i don’t think i’m up for it and money is slim today . oh well. perhaps another time. I think i saw plenty of those fine art people anyhow... also I’ll be seeingt them hem on thursday. Step

I don't think.

wise words do not happen. 

Last week I had a spell writing at www.mattwithak.blogspot.com

I hope that it will not continue.

Can you help me organise this please?

It's wednesday

and I don't think that I've kept up all my thoughts on this blog thing, well, those which have been good to share for me. I talked in a bar and realised that this was here. I had a strange feeling of emptiness as there were no images that looked like they were trying to represent elephants. I want to put more images of things i've seen and done and and.. here but now is time for food.

the crisis of the real . Grundberg. I found some sheets that seem to be photocopied from somewhere else. I took them from the bin in the library. I recognise many of the names printed on the paper. pollock. Marx. Jacques Derrida. Paul Cezanne. Kenneth Noland. Freud. Steve McQueen.  Cindy Sherman. Rosalind Krauss. Robert Rauschenberg. Picasso . Rothko. Merce Cunningham. Mies van der Rohe. 

I'm still not very good at reading. A list of names I saw yesterday got put on a wall. This is a photograph that I took of a young fine artist at university stood by her work i made a list of names yesterday too.

more stuff

here are some pictures that I made.

events that lead to now

I'm going to attempt to use this now to show some of my thoughts again from the beginning to as far as I can go, mostly based on this thing called being a person who does the processes drawing and looking and is a receptive horrible aaargh.. visual things.. art!? It is chronilogical but it starts at that bottom. the most recent is first. I don't know how to make it easier. If you want it to read like a story, read from the top of each paragraph starting from the bottom. I think that might work

.

I hate yellow.. starts off with looking at image and index.. looked at a coke bottle while ann was talking... loved the reflection in the grey floor of the little bit of brown liquid at the bottom,.. the reflection as an index to the other image.. or the other way round perhaps. looked at other objects around me.. a banana it ended up with.. i didn't want anything too difficult as there are huge amounts of references for everything in the world.. coke bottle has so many and it wouldn't work for my work it already has so many meanings engrained into that object shape colours.. what the company stands for .. and more. It is yellow and black kind of so i painted using those colours as indexical to it.. then use other objects.. a balloon rolled in paint.. print paint it looks like a banana now. use it to print with the colour yellow to black paper seemed like the inside of a banana skin.. It didn't look lovely so i thought that i didn't really like yellow..got home and noticed that i had written I hate yellow on a yellow piece of paper. one of my flatmates noted to me that i had a yellow room.. i was almost sick.. I aquired yellow things and looked at things that were banana shape. look at what other people thought of it. mixed reaction indeed. a lot of people agreed with me. It's not really a hate.. it was just something that i could talk and work about force yourself to have some kind of opinion of it.. perhaps i hated the idea of having to make a choice about yourself making a stance. it to paint with the colou.. yellow box sponge box, the colour hide in a box but it bounces back. what is the box?

naomi says a silly man flying in the sky. me hide then in a box. what does that mean? Still . still. situations of still in an exhibition as an exhibition. duck hide behind richard's chair for 30 mins in the morning. sit under the kitchen work surfaces in the dark and be. draw what you one feels. make other people loose part of their sight and make them draw what they feel like.

December/january 2007. This painting happened then. It is 68cm x 168cm Acrylic on canvas

Strange at foundation felt comfortable because it was said that the people had to unlearn everything that they had done at a level . .was fine with me because i didn't seem to do any drawing at a level so had little to unlearn.. we were just guided at my school , not teaching as such so i am much more open to new ideas .. i think that is why i loved it so much embracing and taking the parts which i find interesting from the ways the tutors see the world. I love the print room. spend a lot of time looking.. get the salient points first. pick them out.

e

interview.. not much drawing says sally .. just the ones of myself self portrait in my book for the AS unit. I want to come to see what it is this drawing thing. I have been rather scared of it .. not knowing where to start.

Sky was the final thing.. lemons sunglasses. white horse.. landscape.. sky sunset. clouds walk outside outside outside reflection stuck inside.. scale? time ? Oil on board 2006.

Then I started with a project that used repetition pencils time clocks boxes and such.

and clocks and time and pencils sharp and grip and repetition. and charley christmas card and boxes ..

Jan 2006.

Anyhow i was intrigued by auerbach for a lot of time .. this next one I was surely influenced by that Frank. It's a painting from an experience of the walks I had on my own in Scotland 2005.

I did open spaces in the landscape for the second year can't quite remember second i think pictures i painted pink from snowdonia.

picked snapshot for AS thing, hmmm it was a snapshot about how i felt..at the end it was my relationships withbetween me brother and sister, didn't feel quite there somehow

We all did a figure unit in the first year , year 12 put a picture here.

(7) For AS the first thing we did was paint a cabbage.. We did it from a photograph.. most people drew lots of marks on their paper with pencil.. I did a few quick marks in 5 mins and was eager to get onto the painting. I think all the other 9 members painted theirs in a portrait orientation of the paper. Here is a picture of mine. Cabbage 2005.

(6) Pictures of my family. . reflections.. emotional.. literal. mum in a puddle during walk in snowdonia. brother with red hair distortion looking through a glass of water i used pastel.. i painted something similar with bacon influence for the end of year 10

I remember looking a lot at Francis Bacon's paintings in the gallery and in a book. I took it home one time. That was year 11. I liked taking lots of pictures. I still do. I stayed late after scho

ol.. perhaps it was because i wanted to avoid doing the homework for my other subjects.. mixed the photography in my painting with the imagination violent tendencies i wanted the figure thought to have. I liked crimson painting oil paints on paper.

(5) GCSE..I picked art because we had to do a certain amount of subjects, i had already picked music for my arty subject and thought i could suppose live through another two years of art perhaps.. i did not know what to expect.

In our class the first project was oak leaves and acorns, kind of a design printy thing, drawing the oak leaves then transforming and maniputlating, selecting the lights and darks stretching and moving to fit into a regular hexagon and another shape that tesselates.

(4) Year 7-9 was rubbish, hated going to art lessons because it was full of silly people distracting the teacher so we didn't learn much at all. A few times we had to copy things. We did some painting with poster paints.

(3) I enjoyed it, art and stuff on the very few occasions , perhaps 2 that our headteacher covered our classes for the day. I went to art club a few times but don't remember anything that we did. I remember him leading us doing some abstract compositions on black paper with oil pastels

(2) Slightly later I remember writing stories in class or work in general and getting really frustrated with drawing, when I was 5, at one point my teacher sent me back to draw hands and shoes on a figure. This made me sad.

(1) Me, aged 4/5, the perfectionist. I can not let my stories have the wrong spellings even though the teachers encouraged us to just make sure we got the words down. (seems like in my head though, this is still happening, I'm very particular about how it all looks, intentionally leaving or making spelling or grammatical errors to get some kind of expression of what's going on)