with a k for karl

that is not the reason for matt with a k. It is all to do with the intricate weave blend of Ed Kinsey, the wonderful world of silent lettters and Malevich and me. I'll finish the explaining perhaps when my eyes do not die so easily.

vomit, writers

says michael is what I did in his notebook. It felt good and satisfying. again. I cannot remember what it was. a blur. Cat Blur . Hill. tick in my book. order. disorder. notes. system. things happen to the people if they write in it. anime. 

I didn't know where to look at all

THis is all rather confusing. There are several things that I would like to write. Looking is quite a strange thing. Today I sat on Rowan's bed and I heard someone say that everyone had left Rowan's room.. a moment later, Rowan came into her room, found me on the bed and said that not everyone had left and that Matt was still there. I was still looking at my book in my lap that I was drawing and writing into and saw and felt a hug Rowan gives. It makes me feel again that I could be here. Human contact looking. I was/am very tense. Chris gives me a little massage as he did with 3 or 4 others. It was helpful but I don't think I was fully recovered or satisfied. I appreciate it all but feel bad that it was not enough to relax. I could write about someone younger than me-- me and lisa talk about, well she looks at the little mermaid and remembers that she always thought how old the fishy girl was in comparison to lisa, much older.. now looking that mermaid is 16 is a shock to her.  Philip Warnell told us about what he found about looking, that a situation is altered ., a reality is changed if one is viewing it. I think I'll find him somewhere and try to find out more. I think that could be the medi.. something.. I always cannot remember media or medium.. perhaps I am silly. Looking. Looking.. Looking. I always think about looking when i see laura because I borrowed ways of seeing from her. Glance. Conversation.. Where do I look. I talked to someone  and some people and I remember not looking at there eyes. It was in the canteen at cat hill, me and maria had a cup of tea each, large ones. I took some sugar. THere were people on the table behind us. It was quite an enjoyable affair, we talked about work and I mentioned that my shifty eyes were always roving around the room. I read a little about Kant on the bus home from oxford on monday 11th feb. I found it rather something that seemed like I could perhaps actually read. I'm struggling with books and reading at the moment.. looking. I get flick through glimpse of a bit. then another. then another . then another. names. another. I got a book from the library and tried reading the first page.  the first page. the first page. We had eggs on monday. postcards. postcards. things read differently after you have written them. I can't remember what i wrote but i fell asleep and claire delivered it.